Isn’t it funny how hypothetical situations work?
It’s so easy to have an opinion when you aren’t staring the reality of it in the face. It’s easy to say “I’d never do that” or “Of course I’d do that”. But really, I don’t think anyone knows what they would do in a situation until they are forced to make that decision.
When I found out I was pregnant with Luna, my instant reaction was to burst into tears. And those tears lasted at least three or four more months. For the first few days – it’s not nice to say – I was adamant I wasn’t going to have a baby. It wasn’t happening. And whatever needed to happen to make it not happen was what I was going to do. But then a few days later something changed in me. I don’t even know what; I can’t remember. But Dave and I made a decision to ‘give it a go’ and have a baby.
I’d never previously really thought what I would do if I became pregnant. I’m pro-choice but of course I don’t think it should be used as a form of birth control. I think I would have thought I would be OK with it, but when the pressing choice was right there, I couldn’t and didn’t do it.
As it happens, Luna is the best thing to even happen to me. Her existence was the reason for starting my business, and her crazy little self is the reason I go to work every day, and having the opportunity to show her, through my hard work, what she could become is the reason I put absolutely everything in to my business to ensure its continued growth and success.
Recently, I’ve been whacked in the face by a large number of extra waxy lemons. Honestly, I just attract drama wherever I go. Admittedly, sometimes I do love the drama, but the happenings over the last few months have been completely unwelcome. In sixth form, a friend coined the term “Franoaks” to describe my life. (Like Hollyoaks, in case you’re like me and not gifted with common sense). And this is still being used to describe my life 10 years later. The lemons are pretty personal and although this blog is like an open door into my life, these particular lemons are staying locked away in a bullet-proof safe for the time being.
But what I will say, is that with each of the challenges I’ve faced, I’ve got back up and I’ve built resilience. Sure, I’ve spent a lot of time completely down on the ground thinking there was absolutely no way I could recover. But I do. And now, for the first time in a very long time, like maybe even years, I can see a way through this tunnel. Not quite a light at the end, but just the belief that there is a light at the end. I’ve found medication completely controls my anxiety, and that’s great. But I still suffer greatly from flipping between extreme periods of depression and hypomania. I can’t even remember what it’s like to feel ‘normal’ but it’s something I’m working on and I’m confident that I won’t let it take over the rest of my life.
Now I’m no Mother Teresa but I like to think of myself as generally quite a pleasant person. I think I’m funny, but no-one else does. And I know I’m generous. Too generous. I admit I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser but I do just genuinely like to help other people and see them do well. And if that means I suffer then that’s fine. But after 27 years of suffering whilst helping others, I’m going to start putting myself first. I’m excited that my friends have already noticed a change in me, and I’m ready to actually see what I can achieve when I put all my efforts into myself. I know I have a lot of potential but for some reason, probably because of my life-long habit of self-sabotaging, I’ve never fulfilled it. So in the words of good old Ed, before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself!